West Campus Boycotts Easter Because Wester is Bester

WEST CAMPUS—At 12:01am this morning, reporters from The Bunion spotted the entirety of Claflin, Sleeper, and Rich Halls marching down Commonwealth Avenue in a public boycott of Easter. Many students held signs reading phrases such as “Freedom of Cardinal Direction,” “Where’s OUR Holiday,” “You Must Be An April FOOL To Think We Won’t Fight This,” and most prominently, “WESTER IS BESTER.”

“This holiday is an absolute outrage,” declared Claflin RA Wesley “Wes” Tizbeste (QST ‘19). “I walk 25 […] minutes across campus every single […] day to get to my […] classes while those […] Warren kids just roll out of their […] beds and walk two […] steps. And now they’re the ones who get a […] holiday named after them? I don’t […] think so.”

When The Bunion reporter asked Tizbeste why Wester is bester, Tizbeste’s face grew bright red. “Um, uh, we uh… we weren’t, uh–” Tizbeste responded before rushing back into the crowd holding up his “West May Have Sleeper, But EAST Does All The Sleeping,” sign and sporting his “Wester is Bester” pin.

At press time, reporters from The Bunion watched the entire West Campus student population throw 5,000 easter eggs at Warren Towers before returning to the third-best dining hall on campus for their highly-anticipated Wester dinner.