Op-Ed: I Don’t Know what the BU Hub Is, but It Sucks and I Hate It
Should I research this article before I write it, so I know what the Hub is? No, not even gonna bother, because it’s gonna suck and I’ll hate it. I’m vaguely aware that there was an email sent about the Hub (is it just Hub? Who cares?), but I could tell it was gonna be super boring and terrible, so I just read the subject line and then trashed it, along with a thousand SHS reminders about flu shots and some email about “academic probation.” I also don’t know what probation is, and I’m not about to learn about that, either.
Anyway. The Hub. I figure that’s like, some stupid metaphor for education. It would be okay if it was like “BU Hub, exciting new late night dining experience,” but I’m pretty sure it’s academic. So a hub cap is like part of a car wheel, so it’s probably got to do with wheels. Wheels on the brain train? Or maybe it’s a hub because a wheel is circular. Oh no. Please don’t let it be about Socratic circles. I cannot handle Socratic circles. Everyone asking questions and pretending they’re important. Like, just shut up, Plato, look at you, reading the book. I’ll give you hemlock poisoning.
But what’s the Hub? Does it even matter? No, it does not. I’m gonna go ahead and assume it has no effect (affect? Impact, there we go. Life hack.) on me. Oh no, I hope it doesn’t change what my graduation requirements are. I am not going to take another math class. You can’t make me. Or English. It’s my right as an American to not know what a hub is, and I refuse to be educated on this or any other subject. Honestly it’s probably some dumb forced socialization thing where all the freshmen have to live together and heat about each other’s feelings and sit in a friendship circle (circle → wheel → hub? Probably) and socialize and stuff. No. Again, it’s my right as an American not to talk to people I don’t want to talk to. It’s my choice not to have friends or talk to anyone who lives in my building. I don’t want to have to get in a hub with them. Maybe it’s like hubbub, a word that really doesn’t seem real now that I typed it out. Never mind. I don’t know what hubbub is either (is it a kind of gum? I think so…). It could be a dating service for BU girls to find a marriageable BU guy, who would be a BU hub. No, that’s definitely not it. Everyone knows the correct term is BUsband.
In conclusion, the BU Hub offers nothing but a negative impact on Boston University culture. It will hinder educational and social development, and put our school at a disadvantage compared to the hubless Boston-area schools. I hope that BU will consider revoking its Hub, and, if not, at least they won’t make me learn what it is.