Three Day Weekend Allows Students to Forgive Genocide

Sources report that students are quick to forgive the massacre of America’s indigenous population, just as long as they have a Monday off.Many students are forgiving the bloodbath to get in one extra day of partying.“I know Columbus is directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of Native Americans” acknowledged Tim King (COM, 18’) but, in his defense, he is also directly responsible for thousands of kick ass parties this Sunday.”Not everyone is exploiting this somber history to have fun, though. Others are using the annihilation to get some extra school work done.“Of course I don’t support 9 year olds being sold as sex slaves, but I also don’t support finishing an essay on Homeric Scholarship in only two days!” said a stressed Kimmy Larman, (CAS, 16’).Such apathetic behavior is quite alarming, but it is perhaps best explained by James Rhetton, (CAS 19’), Garfield Lover and self proclaimed science afficionado.“I mean, I’m sure Columbus wasn’t the best dude, but Mondaysare definitely worse,” said Rhetton. “That’s why everyone has ‘I hate Mondays’ posters. If Columbus was just as bad, everyone would have ‘I hate Columbus posters.’ That’s just science.”At press time, students agreed to meet about changing the name of the Holiday, as long as the meeting was not on a Monday.