Man’s Future Wife Currently Puking In Allston Apartment

ALLSTON—Unbeknownst to local Sophomore Brian Sayles (CAS ’18), a girl puking her brains out in an Allston apartment would some day become his blushing bride.The pair met during a game of strip beer pong, which they would lie about to their two children and one dog, Stacy, Jackson, and Charlie.The couple, which would later live in a cozy 3-bedroom house in Narragansett, Rhode Island, was seen making out all over the apartment’s couches before Tori Buchard (CGS ’19) started vomiting.“Yeah bro, she’s wicked toasted,” said future husband Brian Sayles. “She ripped through like six shots and she’s been straight up going to yuke-town.”Sources confirmed that Brian held back Tori’s hair, the very same hair he would run his fingers through as he romantically embraced her on their wedding day.“Keep going you’re almost there,” Brian encouraged to Tori as she vommed up everything that was inside of her, words he would later repeat when his daughter was born.“Hey you think she’s single? She’s hot as balls,” said Brian, describing the woman he would eventually vow to respect and cherish until death. “Oh Brian? He’s OK I guess, I mean I was mostly trying to impress his friend Steven,” reported Tori, who would one day swear to Brian that he was the only man for her.At press time, the couple that would, in the future, ground their son for underage drinking was hungover as fuck.