Thousands of Canadian Geese Dead In Coat Related Massacre

AMORY PARK—A horrific scene played out Tuesday as a number of Boston University students plucked feathers from a flock of Canada Geese to stuff into their already bulging winter jackets.“Itwas like something out of a horror movie,” said Erin Campbell (COM/CAS ’15), an intern at Sustainabilty@BU. “These people need to be brought to justice.”Large numbers of this avian species have been found dead in New England this winter as millennials kill the birds for their feathers in order to have jackets that are trendy and hip. The clothing trend has made this particular geese species endangered.“There is an linear decrease in the geese population, and at the same time there is an exponential increase in the amount of overpriced coats of the same name,” said Science Professor Louis Fitch. “If students weren’t so fiercely dedicated to this one coat brand, our environment would be in a much better place.“A number of Boston University students defended their decisions to choke out the birds and steal their feathers, arguing the coats were super fetch.“These coats are, like, hotter than Miami during Ultra,” said Jacqueline Hoffman (COM ‘16), as she sipped a Venti Non-Fat Soy Latte Skim Macchiato with three pumps of caramel.  “The haters can hate all they want but I won’t be freezing my ass off like you other foagies.”At press time, researchers at Boston University’s Zoology Department concluded that other less costly coats do the exact same job as the $800 jackets plagiarizing a bird’s name.