Warren Freshman Survives Grueling Two-Minute Commute To Class

COMMONWEALTH AVENUE—Officials confirmed this morning that Sarah Fence (CAS ‘18) successfully endured her brutal trek from Warren Towers to the College of Arts and Sciences across the street, even amidst snowfall that caused heavy traffic delays for many Boston citizens.“It’s a miracle. Two minutes?” said Fence’s resident advisor, Danny Curtis. “She could have easily stepped in a puddle, or god forbid, slipped on that one patch of metal that sticks out from the T stop.""This kind of weather can kill people,” Curtis continued. “But I guess it can’t kill Sarah motherfucking Fence.”Fence’s tremendous journey has already been compared to historical feats of human bravery, including Ferdinand Magellan’s circumnavigation of the globe and the Apollo missions of the 1960s.“I’m just happy to be back home,” a humble Fence said as she ate a slice of pizza in the Warren dining hall, a constant source of food that prevents her from suffering grocery trips in the raging winds outside. “It’s something that made me a better person in the long run.""I can’t imagine doing that again,” said the woman whose expedition is reportedly inspiring a book and movie deal. “Boston gets really, really cold in the winter."At press time, Richard Karlsson (COM '15) was seen fending off a pack of wolves outside of his Allston apartment on his way to his 8:30 AM lecture.