You’ll Never Guess What Douchebag Guitar Guy Got for Christmas

WARREN TOWERS—Fervent curiosity struck Boston University on Tuesday as Douchebag Guitar Guy returned to campus with his brand-new Christmas present, and you’ll never guess what it is.Go ahead. Fucking guess. Yep.Residents of Warren 9C had been peacefully unpacking from the holiday break when Mr. Stuck-Up Six Strings arrived with the goddamn thing strapped to his back, practically begging for someone to ask about it.“He poked his head into my room, said he finally got his ‘baby’, and went to tell someone else,” said floor resident Katelyn Hennes (CAS ’17).  “Only after I realized that he left without leaving another copy of his shitty EP did I realize something horrible was coming.”“There’s only one thing in this world that could make that asshole so excited,” Hennes continued, grimacing. “He finally got one, didn’t he?”Sources indeed confirmed that the Self-Absorbed Toolbucket has been using the shit-spawning contraption for nearly a fucking hour already.“I remember thinking that the only way for him to get even more unlikeable was if he had a, well, you know,” said Chris Su, Warren 9C resident advisor. “That would sure complete the picture, huh?”“Karma’s a bitch, I guess,” the RA added, as the future legendary recording artist Paul McFartney resumed his ear-grating creative odyssey from down the hall. “Great, it’s an electric one, too.”A survey showed that 73 percent of the insufferable Keith Bitchards’ immediate neighbors “should have expected this,” while 27 percent “can hear it even when the fucking door is closed.”The bare-chested Hack Johnson addressed reporters from his dorm room, as he reverently wiped the overpriced piece-of-shit holiday gift with a knockoff Che Guevara bandana.“Well, well, well, looks like I’ve already got some fans,” said Yoko Oh Fuck No, pausing to relight a poorly rolled joint. “I gotta say, this was the best Christmas present ever. You guys like Oasis?”At press time, Stevie Dicks was asking if anyone had any requests.