Students Stir From Winter Comatose

COMMONWEALTH AVENUE—Reports indicate that BU students have returned to campus throughout the first half of this week after awakening from what Student Health Services has deemed a three-week “semi coma.”“A semi coma occurs when a person spends a large amount of time sitting, eating homemade meals, and watching MTV for more than ten minutes,” says a Jon DiFranco, staff member at Student Health Services.DiFranco advises students recovering from semi comas this week to be mindful of easing themselves back into normal life gradually, as the experience can be mentally jarring."One TV show season per day is a large intake, and if it stops suddenly the body will go into shock,” says DiFranco. “The best thing you can do is ease back to a half a season per day over the next few weeks to wean yourself off.”“Those who have spent large amounts of time cuddling with adorable pets are especially at risk of post-break depression, and are encouraged to contact a school psychologist as soon as possible.”According to Michael Buterbaugh of BU Primary Care, some terriers are even having trouble distinguishing their break lives from their school lives. Lisa McGuire (SHA ’16) is facing these issues firsthand.“The TA started handing out totally lame issues of People magazine,” she explained. “There were no pictures, just all these dates with stuff like ‘test’ and ‘grading policy’ written next to them. Must have been a misprint.”“I just assumed we were going to watch a few episodes of Breaking Bad,“ said Niko Chen (ENG ’15), who reportedly took out a bag of popcorn when his professor was getting ready to put a problem set on the projector. “I mean, I haven’t even finished season two yet, so it made sense to me.” Witnesses confirmed that Chen then wandered around without pants for twenty minutes before realizing that there was no microwave in the lecture hall.At press time, a still-delusional freshman student was seen asking Dean Elmore what he’s been up to since high school graduation.