Questrom Guys Go Crazy Over Internet Quiz: Which Spirit Animal Does Your Dick Give Off?

By Lila Sverdrup | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

An internet sensation has hit the horny halls of Questrom hard (or shall I say, has gotten them hard). We already knew that Questrom males were a certain… let's say, breed, but who would’ve imagined that an internet quiz titled “Which Spirit Animal Does Your Dick Give Off?” would cause them to go absolutely buck wild! 

“It’s like a jungle in there, but an erotic one,” said insider Questrom student Melody Grange. “They even started dressing up like their dick’s spirit animal, I guess reinforcing the fact that they all are one.” 

Meanwhile, everyone is avoiding Questrom like it's going to give them Ebola, or what these jungle animals actually have: chlamydia. Toxic masculinity has caused these finance bros to revert into their primal cousins, taking pride in their animalistic natures. Some have even been spotted performing mating dances (ironically, scaring away the girls).

This phenomenon reinforces the presumption that men who major in business just want to feel important and powerful in this capitalist scheme of America. Male insecurities manifest into such a pattern of behavior with, as usual, the internet as the catalyst. Overall, Questrom male mating patterns did not ultimately change from the underlying principle; they are narcissistically focused on self-enhancement and personal pleasure. They shall continue not to treat women with respect, or, further, please one sexually.  

Renowned BU College of Arts and Sciences Biology Professor Melissa Darwin conducted a study on these animals, assessing what might have gone wrong in these feral frat men in suits. 

“The results were inconclusive, but it is evident that evolution is not doing too hot right now,” said Darwin. “Hopefully natural selection will work its magic in the human kingdom, and by the many girls fleeing the opposite way, it looks like it already has.” 

“I cannot analyze what went wrong cognitively in these students; they are obviously not thinking with their brains, rather, something else…” said BU Professor Dr. Menna Melany, an expert in the psychology field. 

Despite the inconclusive results, we all know one thing for sure: the male species of the Questrom breed are ultimately inferior organisms within the Boston University Animal Kingdom.