Poop Smearing in C Tower Revealed To Be the Latest Banksy

By Annabel Friedman | Photo by Tara Mullaney

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE CRIME SCENE! 

After weeks of investigating, BU police were called to the scene in Warren Towers and have reportedly gotten to the root of the cause of this stinky incident. 

World renowned graffiti artist notoriously named “Banksy” is suspected to be behind this “poo-dunnit” so to say. While his medium of work is normally spray paint, it looks like he went for something a bit more organic, a bit more environmentally friendly, a bit more Bostonian. 

BU hired a part-time detective adjunct professor to look into the case, Fredward Shitlock. “Yeah, I didn’t have much else going on, I thought this could get me out of the house. I have been really struggling-” Shitlock kept going. 

“I’ve been looking into the specific etchings and patterns the artist used, and my findings are leading me right back to Banksy every time,” Shitlock said. 

“You see that mark right there? That’s some pure Banksy shit.” Shitlock mentioned while pointing at a footprint he made out in the shit

“If there’s one thing I know about shit, there’s always corn in there.” He went on.

“You know, back in ‘96 we had a similar issue. We called it the Great Poopening. A few members of the Coprophilia Society got a little too excited one night. It was everywhere,” A member of the BUPD commented. 

“Uh yeah, looks like there’s some shit on the wall.” BUPD said. 

Originally, investigators assumed the incident was caused by the frat boy known as the Pisser, a measly adolescent boy who has been going around to freshman girls’ beds and pissing on their sheets. After tracking him down, he said he’s never gone in the fecal direction. 

“Don’t give me any ideas…” he said. 

Shortly after, the police tackled him to the ground, dick out, as he was trying to pee on them. 

A group of students who lived on the floor came by the crime scene and laughed at Shitlock’s investigative work. Hands covered in shit, he broke down sobbing. 

“YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. YOU DON’T GET ART.” Shitlock wailed.

While Banksy was never fully identified, it’s only obvious to assume that such a piece would be of his own volition. He is daring, he is kind, he is an ARTIST. Banksy, if you’re reading this, don’t stop. Some might say this medium is far too radical, they just don’t understand art. You are the world, you are my hero, and your poop will inspire millions. If you won’t, then who will?