Finally Some Good News: Trump Appoints the Rizzler As His Secretary of Defense

By Martín Akamine-Alvarez | Photo by Ariana Beck

I’m sure if you’re reading this article, you probably had a similar experience as me on election night. You went over to a friend's place, bringing as many guilty pleasure snacks as you possibly can. You consumed alcohol while trying to do homework, in fear of the impending possibility. Your friends were either crashing out continuously, or trying to reassure everyone. “There’s still ballots being counted!” “Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are gonna take the longest to count!” While yes, this is true, you ended up leaving after California was counted, thinking I’ll end the night on a good note. When you got home, you did your skincare routine, brushed your teeth, and looked in the mirror. “This might be the last night I have pronouns,” you think to yourself as you decide to check the numbers one last time. Sorry liberal, it didn't change to 538 to Kamala and 0 to Trump.

Since then, there's been public outcries on many fronts. Everyone is rushing to place blame on someone for this fat L handed to the Democrats. But it hasn’t been happy hunting for Republicans and MAGAites alike. Trump’s cabinet appointments have been an absolute nightmare. And guys, this one gave me hope.

Now, if you’re anything like me, you worry about the state of the world now that Trump is president. Will Russia invade Ukraine more aggressively? Probably. Will China decide to invade Taiwan? Yea, I mean, they’ve got great food so just for that it would make sense. But those worries are now being quelled by Trump’s newest pick. A person with charisma, personality, humor, known for his coherent thoughts, and knows how to shush the enemies of the US. Trump, this week, confirmed the Rizzler as the US’ next defense secretary. The Rizzler, the famous tik tok sensation, is obviously known best for his rizz face. The Rizzler made a statement early this morning, stating, “I’m really not surprised” about the decision. When asked what to expect from his work as secretary, he first did his signature move: 🤫🧏‍♂️. Not only did all the female reporters fall in love immediately, but the male reporters immediately felt ashamed for not being as handsome as him. He later appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s late night show, where he brought along his closest advisors, A.J. and Big Justice. When asked about the US nuclear policy and possibly reducing our nuclear arsenal, the Rizzler said he would be “bringing to boom” to anyone who got in his way for double chunk chocolate chips.

With this appointment, traditional enemies of the US are now tightening their foreign policies. Russia and China have both put out statements expressing their fears over the recent appointment. Exit polls also suggest that Trump’s popularity has risen extremely since this decision, as the Rizzler announced that he’ll bring chicken bakes to the whole white House staff.