Man KILLED in Gag City for Refusing to Twerk

By Ces Lodovico | Photo by Emily He

It was late. I had just finished filling out some paperwerk at Gag City Police Department’s HQ in the Suzie Toot Sector when I heard the phone ring.

“Please, you need to help,” the shaky voice on the other end of the line said. “My boyfriend is being jumped.” 

I rushed to the scene of the crime as soon as I could in one of Gag City PD’s pink Range Rover cruisers, which had a siren that played the melody of Nicki Minaj’s Only. A beautiful woman with red hair, big black eyeliner, and hella piercings was crying, sitting in the back of an ambulance. I approached her cautiously before I began speaking. 

“I’m Detective Fierce. We’re going to get you some help, and you’ll be feeling boots the house in no time. But right now, I need you to spill the tea. What happened, diva?”

She shuddered, mascara running down her cheeks. “It was horrible. I thought it would be okay to take him to one of the clubs here, one where we could really get our freak on. Abracadabra by Lady Gaga started playing, and naturally I started dancing.” She broke eye contact with me to glance at the strawberry watermelon vape I kept in the breast pocket of my perfectly tailored Miu Miu suit jacket. The tip peeked out, ever so slightly. “Can I hit that?”

I nodded, handing it to her. “Anything to take the edge off.” Her fingers grazed mine, and she looked back into my eyes, blinking tears away. She took a long drag before 

“I really thought he was going to dance too. We had already had a difficult time at the door because the bouncer said he had fugly jeans.