GSU To Replace Piano With Singular Kazoo

By Kai Farr | Photo by Yara Ahmed

BOSTON - Due to recent complaints from students and staff, Boston University has decided to replace its signature upright piano in the lobby of the George Sherman Union with a singular kazoo. 

The kazoo is now available at all times of the day and night for students to come up and play their favorite tunes, however SHS insists that this will be done in a responsible and healthy way.

“We don’t want to spread COVID or chlamydia around campus again,” said SHS spokesperson, Marsha Gladwell. “So we make everyone fill their mouth with hand sanitizer before they take a turn.”

The sanitizing station, titled “Squirt and Blow,” is currently guarded by BU Police Dog, Bean.

“We’ve trained her to bite the crotch of anyone who doesn’t squirt before they blow,” said a BU Police officer. “Wish I could get my wife to do the same! Ha!”

Unfortunately, the alcohol from the hand sanitizer has led BU students to extreme levels of intoxication before they can perform.

After Saturday night’s incident of inebriated students kazooing “Wonder Wall” for 3 hours straight, BU has reconsidered this new musical implementation.

Now, the university has turned to site-specific performance art, opting to chain up a Dear Abbey and make that little boy sing to the masses.