Football Teams Flocked With Twinks Auditioning for the Role of Kicker

By Ogenna Oraedu | Photo by Lauren Matz

The floodlights are bright. The turf is fresh. And the stadium is full of gay men, young and old, who think that an audition will lead them to the ranks of NFL players.

Get out of the way evil villain Mophead Mahomes and fashion disaster Klutzy Kelce! The 59th annual Super Bowl showed the world that shockingly, there are hot people who play football. Naturally, this means that twinks now believe that the contact sport can lead to a workplace romance.

Icon Kurt Hummel paved the way in season one episode four of Glee. Did he become the William McKinley High School football team’s kicker to avoid coming out to his dad as gay? Yes. But that’s not the point. The point is that he auditioned and he kicked that pigskin with all the force in his skinny little body. And it was good!

“Those Eagles sure know how to make a boy sweat in his jockstrap,” Tucker Down, 26, told Bunion reporters on the scene. “I just hope they actually let me put one on after this.”

Cooper DeJean and Reed Blankenship aren’t the only Exciting Whites™ to make it on the 50 yard line. Football stadiums across the country are dealing with an overflow of 5’8 130lbs white men. What’s worse, they seem to think that every team has a starting lineup as attractive as the Philadelphia Eagles.

“Need me a bear like Jordan Mailata,” we heard one twink say at Ford Field, which is famously not where offensive tackle Jordan Mailata plays, but the less hot Detroit Lions do! He took the day off from his accounting firm to be here so… make sure your taxes are in order before you send them over!  

Unfortunately, being a soul cycle instructor does not mean you are fit for the National Football League. It doesn’t even mean you are fit to be anywhere near the stadium. Girl. Those fans will trample you and call you a slur. Half of the team names are slurs. Brittany Mahomes herself will call you a slur.

But don’t let that white devil dull your sparkle. Let your freak flags fly, and most importantly, fly Eagles fly!