Costumes I Don’t Want To See or Else I’ll Hurt Myself and Others
By Ellie Tiwari | Photo by Lizzy Morearty
You know what day it is. All Hallows eve, what was once a pagan tradition has slowly turned into your liver and lungs’ least favorite holiday and this author's favorite night of the year. Truly, what’s better than dressing up, going out with your friends, drinking to excess, and listening to China Anne McClain’s certified classic: Calling All The Monsters?
And while yes, it’s obviously the best holiday and that’s not up for debate, fair reader, some of you need to work on arguably the most important aspect of the night: The costumes.
Am I one to talk? No, I've committed a few of the sins on this list, but the difference between me and you is I’ve learned from my mistakes, and I beg you to take this article as a wake up call. And be warned, if I see any of these costumes tonight, I will become violent and need to be sedated or else the hate in my eyes will burn through your polyester Amazon corset and Shein top.
Warning: if this list offends you, it's because you have committed one of these vile acts. Repent and see the error of your ways. It's not my fault I just do Halloween better!
Labubu (ugh the fact I even have to include this)
If any of you bitches are even THINKING of wearing a sexy Labubu outfit im afraid of what I might do. Out of all options, you think a furry little freak is the perfect option for you? Be creative, don’t wear a onesie with your boobs out unless you are making a commentary on consumerism, misogyny, and the endless greed of human nature.
2. Aggressively straight couples costumes
Absolutely egregious. The plug and socket? Yuck. Deer in boob-headlights? Vom. I could go on and on. What you do in the privacy of your own home is fine, just don't thrust it on me on MY special day. Also, if your couples costume is like too cute, stay home. Mama’s on the prowl.
3. “Naked Man” costumes
You may be asking yourself: author, what are “naked man” costumes? I’m so glad you asked. Naked man costumes are just an excuse for a man to show his nipples, and that's not okay. Examples? Greek god. It's just a sheet and MAYBE vines if you’re generous. Boxer? You just want to wear those satin shorts and gloves. Whore. Do better, be more creative, and please, for the love of god, put a shirt on.
4. I can’t tell what it is (Amazon corset and a miniskirt)
Now, I may or may not be guilty of this. Look, I get it, it's easy to slap on a corset and call it a day. But that's not a costume, that's lazy. Also, as an internet culture connoisseur, I get every single reference. Full stop. So if I can’t tell what you’re trying to be, you know it's a problem. At least get some ears or something, don’t just wear blue and say you’re Cinderella. You’re just a color, and you’re not even blonde.
5. Pre-packaged costumes
Okay, I also love Spirit Halloween, but come on. If I see you at a party this weekend wearing a box-fresh, still creased pre-packaged costume with no extra effort put in, I’m judging you and I am a little upset. Is it that hard to add a little pizzazz? I know you have it in you.
6. Lazy, stupid man
Do you even know what day it is? You’re wearing a snap back and a plain black t-shirt. I ask you what the hell you’re dressed up as, and you just shrug. I hate you. I promise it’s not gay to wear a costume. It’s actually really cool. In fact, the ticket to drink IS wearing a costume, unless you’re dressed up as yourself, an annoying frat boy, which is okay I guess.
7. Anyone with MY costumes.
This goes without saying. If I see someone wearing the same costume as me, we may have issues. Will I leak what my costumes are for this year? How dare you even ask me that. Costumes this chic need to be safeguarded and will reveal themselves when they’re ready. Don’t pressure me.
This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope you heed my warnings. I will be taking on the streets of Boston, keeping the city safe from lack-luster, lazy costumes. You’re welcome, your saviour is here.