The TWO Things You Absolutely NEED To Know To Get Into Medical School as an Undergraduate Freshman
By Herb Waters | Photo by Tara Mullaney
In light of admissions season wrapping up, I’m seeing an increase in posts on the BU subreddit (seriously, how do you even know it exists before coming to BU?) along the lines of “omg should I commit to BU???” and “I’m seeing stories of students feeling out of place, CIA involvement, cultural organizations,'' et cetera, et cetera.
Since only the looniest of the bunch would commit to BU for anything medical-related, I’m gonna tell everyone that yes, it is absolutely that serious, and here are the two things you must do to utilize your Warren prison room and mid dining plan to become the greatest PreHealth candidate there is.
The first thing you MUST do is make your resume stand out. You have to get on this the summer before freshman year! Start planning what you will do: one of my friends who was accepted into Oxford Medical School on a full scholarship actually attempted fake suicide by cop and was shot in the stomach during the second week of the semester. He heroically avoided sepsis by sterilizing and suturing his own wounds on-site. When the cops asked him why he was already wearing hospital-grade gloves and carrying hydrogen peroxide, he proudly replied that his Big at the biology frat told him to “make himself stand out” and “get a leg up on the playing field.” Unfortunately, he is now paralyzed from the legs down, so that quote doesn’t really work anymore, but you know what they say – no pain, no gain.
The second thing you ABSOLUTELY HAVE to do is NETWORK. The most successful networkers achieve their successes NOT only because they’re locked in 25 hours a day, but because they’re CREATIVE about it. Another friend, who definitely would’ve gotten a full ride to Columbia if he hadn’t died at the tail end of senior year in the name of networking, was able to gain access to a yacht party held by the CEO of UnitedHealthcare. Yes, a yacht party. He died when he fell off the boat after one too many rum and cokes. The main aspect to gather here, people, is that he NETWORKED his way to the top (read: he killed, like, twenty United dependents in Wellesley so he could raise their bottom line). Don’t stray away from the importance of NETWORKING that I’ve been saying again and again and again here…
I said you only need two things, but there’s an obvious third aspect that you need to accomplish any of these: MONEY. My friend wouldn't have attempted suicide by cop if he hadn’t refilled his CharlieCard so he could slide to MassGen and steal $300 worth of hospital equipment. My other friend wouldn’t have made it to the yacht party if he didn’t pay the Metcalf stockroom worker to slip him some cyanide to poison the Wellesley water supply. Money can be easily gotten through any means at BU - you should talk to your financial advisor about what crime enterprise you want to take part in, or pick from an assortment of oil baron families to marry into. If you follow all these guidelines to a tee and don’t miss a step, then you’ll definitely have the best chance of getting into BU Med, one of the world’s top10 MEDICAL schools (source: BU)!