Tits Out for Terriers: BU’s New Mental Health Program
Colleges all over the nation have found themselves facing one very serious issue recently: depression. According to the Mayo Clinic Health System, “44% of students reported symptoms of depression and 15% reported seriously considering suicide” in the 2021 - 2022 school year. As this is a very serious issue, many colleges have sought out solutions through mental health services. However, Boston University seems to have a… different approach.
“We checked the statistics, we did the surveys, and it seemed that only one thing truly combatted depression effectively,” explained Olive Backshots, the chief scientist of the Boston University Center For Very Real And Needed Science Departments That Actually Need Their Own Buildings Just Like Data Science, A Very Real And Needed Science Department (BUCFVRANSDTANTOBJLDSAVRANSD). Backshots started smiling and staring off into space as they revealed the solution: “big, voluptuous, blossoming, vengeful, beautiful, and VAST breasts…”
Once the BUCFVRANSDTANTOBJLDSAVRANSD discovered this shocking solution, they immediately began work on the creation of their mental health campaign: Tits Out for Terriers. Head of the campaign is Jennifer Goon. “I find myself quite frankly overqualified. I have gotten three breast enlargement surgeries, two breast de-enlargement surgeries, and have seen over ten thousand breasts. Yes, I’ve been counting.”
The new campaign wanted to make sure that they didn’t discriminate to any sexualities and genders. Tits Out for Terriers includes the tits of men, women, non-binary people, furries, and more. When asked if Goon was truly as qualified as she claimed, she defended herself smiling. “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve seen them all. And honestly, I can’t wait to see even MORE and share them with the whole university.”
Sure enough, Boston University has found a decrease in symptoms of depression across all colleges (except for CS majors, which Backshots has attributed to two things: the fact that they never leave their rooms and/or the fact that she simply doesn’t think they exist because she has NEVER seen any of them).
One student, Olga Syphil, has confessed to The Pinky Toe that she has gone to three “Terrier Tit Sessions” and is already feeling so much better. “I’ve seen big tits, small tits, medium sized tits, fully NO tits (but still the chest 😜) and great big furry tits. I love them all. Gimme gimme gimme!!! Honestly, I wouldn’t even say I have depression anymore, but don’t tell them that. Lord knows I need dem titties!” Syphil then laughed and stared directly at our reporter’s chest.
While the students at Boston University have certainly enjoyed the new program, parents and outsiders have watched with skeptical eyes, with some even protesting. “They’re corrupting our young men! They should only be showing women boobs, not men boobs or all the others!” cried a concerned parent, Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Even the Mayo Clinic Health System was concerned at first. “When we said that universities needed to fix these mental health issues, this is certainly not what we had in mind,” explained Stu Pid, chief something-or-other at the Mayo Clinic Health System. “But honestly, the numbers don’t lie. The students are significantly more happy, and interestingly, the students’ physical health has seen a great increase as well. Who knew that showing a few tits could save these students!”
And indeed it has. Around 100 pairs of tits have saved about 20,000 (probably idk) Boston University Students. The Pinky Toe 100% recommends trying out the Terrier Tit Sessions, and 150% recommends joining the group and showing off your rack yourself.