Abject Social Suicide: I Accidentally Said “Based” in Front of People that Weren’t Terminally Online

By: Anonymous

Oh god. Oh no. I’ve done it. It’s so over for me. Sweat beads on every surface of my flesh. I’m not even a real person anymore. I should not be treated as such. The syllables just slipped out from beneath my lips before I could apply any modicum of restraint. My group mates look at me in sheer confusion. I sweat some more. Why’s it so fucking hot in the GSU anyway? I hope nobody else heard me. I look around. Doesn’t seem like they did. My grievous social faux-pas is contained to this motley crew of underachieving nineteen year olds. Even then, I am not safe. I am in the eye of the storm. 

The hot girl adorned in Ugg Boots and an Eras Tour sweatshirt stares at me quizzically. The wholesome guy who only does missionary in the dark smiles sympathetically and waits patiently for me to finish. Any veneer of normalcy I have so desperately attempted to simulate for these good common folk has been peeled back to reveal what I truly am: a hulking, regular-Twitter using, nutrient-deficient degenerate. The Swiftie echoes a “Haha what?” so devastating I nearly fall out of my seat. She’s momentarily paused her Aritzia browsing to meet my eye and let it be known that I need to touch some fucking grass and pronto. 

At this point I recognize that there is no possible explanation my deprived mind could conjure that could save my already scant reputation with these people, so I opt to stretch my cracked lips into a pained smile and say, “Nothing. Who’s doing Slide 6 again?”