Good News! Questrom Cigarette Smokers Luckily Set The Building on Fire

By Charlotte Tolman

QUESTROM —- On an unbearably cold morning, a few Questrom students stand on their usual slab on concrete. Since they’re Canada Goose puffers aren’t enough to keep them warm, each one pulls out their box of cigs and lighters. All at once, they light them up, crafting the perfect stench of smoke for every passerby to take a waft of. The Bunion found that they “take pride” in suffocating everyone who walks by them. After just walking by them for a few seconds, one girl said, “The stench carried with me throughout the day.” She tried coughing in their faces to try to rattle them, but they stood tall. 

In an attempt to look mysterious, intellectual, and curious, three traits that Questrom students do NOT possess…One man puffed his cigarette but then quickly put it by his side. Fortunately, in the end, it caught his jacket, lighting the sleeve on fire. Talk about a warm coat! 

All of his friends stood there blankly, confused. Yes, our future product developers, innovators, and harbingers of our money…had no idea what to do with their friend who is on fire. 

Naturally, they run inside. Each one of them still smoking, pass by the “no smoking within 25ft of the building sign.” Inside the building, he takes off his coat, spreading the fire. All of the kids run out, and not one thinks to pull the fire alarm or call the fire department. 

In a classroom on the second floor, one professor was giving a lecture on the marketing of duraflame. Midway through the commercial, smoke starts to come from the bottom of the door. One student says “you can just smell the commercial, oh my god.” Another student looks at the smoke and says “guys they’re just heating up the building, it’s so cold outside!” The professor opens the door to a massive cloud of smoke. 

They all look down from the catwalk and see a group of guys jumping on a coat. They would do a few jumps, then step off to take a few puffs. However, this strategy wasn’t working. One of the group members put their butt on the ground, igniting more fire. 

A flurry of Ipads, expensive coats, and kids on scooters exit the building. The group, however, pull the fire extinguisher that was sitting on the wall next to them. One pulls it, but sprays the guy across from him. He exclaims, “You put out my cigarette.” But, since he ingested so much air from the extinguisher, he got a better buzz from that than the cig. 

When the fire department arrives, they pull the guys out of the building. The one who lost his Canada Goose went into mourning, and headed to Marsh Chapel to find some peace of mind. 

The rest of the group, along with the thousands of evacuated Questrom students went right back to their sidewalk smoke spot. As helicopters flew over BU, trying to cover the scene, they noticed that each and everyone of the students who were outside had lit up a cigarette. Maybe seeing their beloved building fall wasn’t so bad after all.