Trying to Romanticize a University that’s Just a Street: A Guide

By: Alex Johnson

Ultimately, all my woes in life can be directly attributed to going to a university that’s essentially just a long street. There’s honestly not much to show off unless you’re a big enthusiast for buildings that stack a few grand on top of everyone’s tuition only to have the gall to be half-finished (this is a dig at Boston University's Center for Computing and Data Sciences the Jenga Building).

I often get the urge to be grateful for all in my life (El Jefe’s had me feeling like I was 37 seconds away from death and I’m trying to counteract all my sins to avoid Hell). “Maybe Boston University isn’t too bad…” 

Just sit back, close your eyes, and imagine the sound of cars passing by BU Beach as waves crash against the shore. This guide is for when you inevitably find yourself in a debate with another Bostonian and they take too many [justified] digs at BU and you’re in need of some bragging rights:

1– Be delulu-sional

While the Boston Winter makes me legitimately want to die sometimes, I choose to envision myself as a traveler type (think Odysseus) who’s battling through a frozen tundra in order to get home to his loving wife. The best way to play this out is to take up miming classes to really sell the performance. Flail your arms around like you’ve got no control, and hell!-- snatch a cool scarf from a passerby to complete the winter fit. You might look crazy, but be real with yourself–how far off is crazy from your normal self?

2– Pretend you go to Hogwarts when studying 

BU’s a pretty good school, albeit it’s no Harvard but it gets the job done. With the stress of exams and dealing with the inhumane weather, sometimes all we need is a little motivation–a little pick-me-up in order to combat that seasonal depression (actually fuck daylight savings ending). Oftentimes I’ll go to the library in the twilight hours with dark academia blasting through my headphones in order to give the illusion that I’m somewhere else: in Europe a couple of centuries ago or even Hogwarts (maybe I do know magic and you know what, that’s enough to make me the Boy Who Lived in absence of the sun).

3– BU is full of rich people so get to robbing!

The scarf is just the start of it! BU admits loads of legacy, international, and just overall wealthy kids whose families have more money than they know what to do with. They’re going to be careless with their possessions–but you, living in the slums, know how to cherish treasures. You know the value of their stuff more than them. Start small–slip their AirPods into your pockets as you pass their table and build up from there, eventually leading to their $400,000 cars that were shipped overseas. In order to get the best results, try using a Buddy System! Find someone who’s willing to risk jail time in order for some free stuff. Use your friend (or whoever you grabbed off COMM Ave) as a distraction while you go pickpocketing. Make sure it’s somewhere populated like the GSU where you can easily slip away into the crowds. Most people will call it a loss if they misplaced something near the GSU, ‘cause be honest with yourself; if you left your Beats in Central would you expect it to be there when you come back? NO! So that’s their loss for being careless with their stuff. If they ever confront you about it, simply gaslight them and show them these are in fact your Beats (or any other item) because you put your stickers on it already (and changed the device’s name to yours). If you really want to perfect the Bonnie-and-Clyde role I recommend the classic beanie-mask combo; hide your identity and make your trace untrackable. Good luck and don’t get caught!

4–Pretend the Allston rats are off to make some French cuisine under chef hats

You would think the rats scrambling through West would die off in the cold, but unfortunately, it seems to only make them stronger, like the gods themselves blessed the vermin with some ancient ambrosia. So if we’re forced to co-exist with Remy and his friends we might as well pretend they’re just off to their shifts at Paris restaurants. I don’t know, it’s helped me be less revolted by them, but if one of them scurries over my feet I can’t promise that’ll they’ll make it under their lil ginger’s chef hat intact.

Yes...relax, ‘cause at the end of the day, come July, BU will have a BLACK WOMAN as president, so every other school’s looking like a rag used to clean up spilled beer, tears, and cum.