What To Queue At The Pre: Glee Cast Version
By Ava Carrel
I know it was a rough week. Halloweekend chewed you up and shat you out. You were hungover for days straight and glory be to god because by Wednesday the perpetual headache was gone. All that was left was the yellow-as-the-sun-shines phlegm in your throat from the fuckass virus that you contracted within seconds of walking into that frat. Now it’s friday night and time for the post halloweekend RALLY. And who better to rally with than the original pep rally bitches themselves, the Mckinley High Cheerios, and yes you should write that down for a costume next year because “god bless the perv” who invented those skirts.
Hot In Here: You’re still doing your makeup, putting on the corset. We’re feeling ourselves and it really is getting hot in here because one girl is standing in front of the floor length mirror doing eyeliner and another is sitting between her legs on the floor overlining her lips. What better to start the night off with than the soundtrack of the iconic sexy calendar episode. I will say that as a twelve year old watching Glee on my kindle fire under my covers, I would have preferred a calendar entirely of Santana.
Bills Bills Bills: The divine feminine energy is STRONG in that dorm room as the Warblers, the all straight boys glee club, except of course Blaine Anderson who I was equally in love with, croon a Destiny’s Child song. Sing your hearts out about that medium ugly tinder guy you took a chance on, then he made you venmo him back for that mid date where he didn’t ask you a single question and proceeded to tell you you were the most interesting, unique girl he’d ever met.
Born This Way: Lets ignore the vague-ish slurs (i.e. oriental) and the incredibly questionable plot line where after David shoves Kurt into a locker for his alien GaGa fitty, he proceeds to confess his love for Kurt episodes later. Gay media loves the bullyxtwink romance arc. GaGa is for the first shot! Don’t be a drag just be a queen, andd DRINK. Honor the several Lady GaGa episodes and Kurt’s many many outfits. He served cunt before we knew what to call it.
Gold Digger: Ayyy Mr. Schue is rapping!.. Wait what? Glee x Kanye is the vibe that I'm trying to carry through the night. An all around crowd pleaser for your rap fan friends who will be a little confused but appreciate the thought, and just let your friend who’s in that fuckass a cappella group attempt the riff at the start. It’s not gonna be good, but she needs this tonight.
Smooth Criminal: Forever my roman empire. The cellos, the fedora, the tension following the devastating sabotage of Blaine’s rock salt slushie, perfection. The room WILL divide into two halves and one person must rush to the middle to play air cello. Everyone knows the lyrics by heart, it just takes a shot or two for the shame of that talent to dissipate. Until morning of course.
Valerie: That feeling of overflowing joy that your twelve year old self had when Santana finally got a solo in Sectionals over Rachel will come rushing back and mix with the pink whitney you just drank for a euphoric high. Hype yourself up to hit on some hot girls tonight and know that a double-gay barn wedding is waiting for you too.
Bust The Windows: Arguably the most relatable song, that’s true heartbreak Mercedes is singing about. It’s gleek destiny to like a gay guy at some point, no shame in it! Well your friends are a little ashamed of how long it took you to notice/be convinced.
Blame It On The Alcohol: Many think the biggest party animals are the frat bros, maybe the ravers, but I would argue, with much evidence, that it is in fact the a cappella groups. You’ve never been as fucked up as you are in the basement of the all male a cappella group house. Yup “house”, as in they have a frat house. NYADA apartment type beat. Something happens there, blame it on the alcohol because I’m not taking responsibility for whatever I did.
Teenage Dream: Corral everybody out the door, one more shot for good luck, and repeat tonight’s mantra: “well god forbid a teenage girl make a mistake”