AMC Leaked Memo- “You Survived Swifties, Good Luck With the Five Nights at Freddy’s Fans”

By: Mirna Benavente

Congratulations! You have managed to survive the hoard of Swifties these last few weeks after her Eras Tour movie premiered. You were all fearless when dealing with them, and we expect nothing less from our wonderful team. Oh sorry, family. Because we are a family at AMC. And like family, you stay with them regardless of any issues that may arise. In saying this, we do have some unfortunate news to report though. Are you… ready for it?

As you might recall all too well, the next big movie on the docket was the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie (which we will be referring to as its more colloquially known abbreviation, FNAF). We have become aware that this movie already had a fanbase before its release and after some research based on its first 3 days in theaters, we need to make some announcements based on what we’ve learned.

Furries - While we might not be incorrect, we’ve come to realize that while they might look like it, not all of these fans are furries. They are dressing up as characters from this film and are not trying to dress up in their “fursonas.” Do be careful though, as it appears if you “diss” their favorite character, they’re still prone to biting. Remember, being bit by a customer is NOT covered by our health insurance. If you do, you’re on your own, kid, and will be paying that out of pocket.

Mexico-Specific Warning - Fans are not opposed to theft. There have been multiple reports of the FNAF promotional cutouts being taken from theaters, some of which have not been recovered. If this occurs, please attempt to safely return them to your location. But seeing as we anticipated these actions occurring, we have mailed multiple copies of the cutouts. We hope we mailed enough for at least a week of promotion.

Cutouts - On the subject of cutouts, fans are also making up for internet personality Mark “Markiplier” Fischbach’s absence in the movie by bringing cutouts of the gamer to their showings. Do not engage these fans. We are also disappointed by his absence and like these cutouts. And in a similar look, if fans have a square seemingly taped to their spectacles, do not fret. They have taped a tiny picture of Markiplier in his FNAF videos to make the movie seem like a Let’s Play.

A follow-up email will be sent on how to properly clean up and sanitize wet seats, as Josh Hutcherson’s presence in this movie has also caused an increase in… moist seats.