On a Mission: BU Seniors Rally for “Senior Discounts” at Local Dispensary

By Laura Braudis

BROOKLINE — A new group of particularly high in the sky seniors at Boston University have called out local dispensaries for their alleged “ageist” policies. These students range from a wide variety of cannabis users, from the hardcore stoners, to the girls who smoke with the boys because “other girls are too much drama.”

This group, called All Actually Real Potheads (AARP), is dedicated to providing better benefits to help seniors who just want their needs met when buying weed. Some of AARP’s demands, written on rolling paper, include discounted edibles, buy-one-get-one-free joints, exclusive coupons, and Taco Tuesdays (not specified if this demand was munchie related or not).

“Not to be blunt, but we’re seniors and we deserve the benefits of such,” said Ian Lawson (CAS ‘24), head of the AARP. “This is the problem with America. There’s no respect for those who just want to get really fucking high on a Wednesday night and watch 17 episodes of Rick and Morty in a row.”

Lawson himself knows how difficult senior discrimination can be. “I’m constantly being told I need to start looking for a job,” he said, voice shaking with emotion. “People only say this because I’m a senior. That’s the ugly truth to ageism.”

Anna Smith (CAS ‘24) is another member who is passionate about senior rights, but claims she doesn’t feel a day over 18. “I’m young at heart,” she said as she adjusted her reading glasses atop her head. “I can relate to the 18 year olds, y’know? My back may be stiffer but I still obsess over immature curly-haired guys who end up playing me. Plus, my parents still pay for everything, including my ‘medicine runs.’ So like, whenever I go buy weed, I forget that I don’t have to tell security, unprompted, about how much I love potatoes since my fake ID was from Idaho. But now, 21 year old Anna needs to remember she is from Connecticut.” 

Kyle Anderson (COM ‘24) also has some complaints. “Kids these days don’t know how good they have it,” he grumbled. “Back in my day, we had to smoke in the alleys or on the esplanade. Now I see these damn kids with joints everywhere when they need to learn how to be grateful and get the fuck off my lawn!” What followed was an hour long rant filled with expletives and politically incorrect phrases until he yelled himself to sleep. 

The AARP’s goals for the future? 

“We need to light up and fight up at more places, like smoke shops and liquor stores,” said Lawson. “Then maybe something even crazier, like a movie theater.”

“Teaming up with kids from neighboring colleges could help our cause,” added Smith. “We could confront dispensaries together and present a joint proposition.”

Unfortunately, AARP’s demands probably won’t be met anytime soon, due to most of their meetings and rallies being canceled as a result of low attendance. The majority of members are too violently high to remember there are any events at all.