Crossing Hearts and Crossing Streams: New BU Speed-Dating Service in CAS First Floor Gender Neutral Bathroom
By Cam Hoff
The new school year is hard for everybody. New classes, new professors, new friends, but most importantly… a new crippling feeling of loneliness that accompanies you to sleep every single night. You’re single and BU knows it! Finding a relationship can be hard and with as many terriers in the T as BU has, it can even be overwhelming. But BU has found a new extremely exciting solution to find you the perfect partner. Someone to finally hold you ever-so gently in their arms as you fall asleep. Someone to finally kiss on the BU beach making everyone else uncomfortable! And most importantly… someone to finally put you in that Rhett pup play mask you just got *wink wink*.
What is this solution? BU’s new speed dating service, located in the CAS first floor gender neutral bathroom, Crossing Hearts and Crossing Streams. You might have a few questions about seemingly too good to be true service. Where is it? When is it? Who can go? Can you still go even if you have a nasty case of oral herpes… it’s encouraged. All are welcome and wanted at BU’s new service. If you would like to join all you have to do is send an email to managing@bunionpaper.com with the following information: age, major, sexual position, sexual perversions, times available, and a list of all other BU students you know (NO CROSSBREEDING ALLOWED). Once complete, BU’s new service will set up a date and time for you and eleven other students (based on a proprietary new soulmate finding software) to speed-date, find love, and maybe— if you’re lucky— get pissed on.
The event takes place in the CAS first floor gender-neutral bathroom. Before you worry, those middle-aged men who would cruise there have been forcibly removed! The bathroom itself has been completely renovated with the addition of a plexiglass window between the two stalls and a glory hole. You’ll love the new yellow and brown walls (these colors promote love), the assortment of douches on that random single wooden chair in the corner, and multiple floor drains (the forecast is always golden showers here). One person will enter each stall and a five-minute clock will be set. Now you’ll talk, learn more about each other, go pee pee and poo poo, and hopefully find love! After those five minutes are up, the people will be rotated, and the clock begins again! This will be repeated until all combinations have been fulfilled. You might be asking, “What if I find the love of my life within the first few people, do I need to stay?” No, you do not! If you find that special someone and want to commit to a second date with, there’s just one simple thing you both need to do… cross streams.
The connection you make while crossing streams is like no other. You’ve been bonded by heart and piss, a combination that’ll never break. If you don’t believe me, just ask our happy customers! Michael Poopinger, one half of our very first success story, dropped this steamy dump of thoughts about Crossing Hearts and Crossing Streams:
“I would be nothing without Crossing Hearts and Crossing Streams. Absolutely fucking nothing. I showed up to BU, a stinky computer-science major. I didn’t know how to bathe, I didn’t know how to make a friend, and I didn’t know how to love. But Crossing Hearts and Crossing Streams changed that. I sat in that stall and stole a glimpse of a beautiful woman through the glory hole… and then we started talking. The moment she sprayed her bountiful golden liquid nectar she cleaned my soul. We’ve been inseparable ever since. I might still stink, but it’s the stinky and sticky smell of an incredible yellow love.”
If it can work for Michael Poopinger, it can most certainly work for you. You don’t have to be the lonely CS major coding instead of bathing anymore. You don’t have to be the lonely business major filling your lungs up with cigarette smoke anymore. You can finally fill those lungs up with what you truly long for… piss (and love). Find love and happiness, come to BU’s new speed dating service Crossing Hearts and Crossing Streams! Whose stream will you cross?