Speaking My Truth: I Got Horny at an Evening with Ben Stiller
By: Jenny Seminack
It all started with a silly little movie about a security guard who gets stuck overnight at museum and has to deal with the hijinks caused by exhibits coming to life. Sounds like a harmless children’s flick, right? Something to put on for the kids that the whole family can enjoy.
Wrong. Oh so wrong. You might recognize the movie I’m talking about- Shawn Levy’s 2006 masterpiece Night at the Museum- but what you don’t know is the impact that this film had on my sexual awakening as a youth. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been a sucker for a tall skinny white man since the beginning. From Danny Phantom to the twink from How to Train Your Dragon, my roster as a child has included a certain genre of man that Ben Stiller himself happens to fit into perfectly. So, you can imagine my excitement when I open my student email to none other than an invitation to spend an evening with him! “An entire evening with Ben Stiller?” I thought to myself. “Certainly this is too good to be true!” Never lose hope in life, though, because it was indeed true. I bought my ticket posthaste, and mentally prepared for what I knew was going to be the best night of my life.
Something was in the air that night at the Tsai Performance Center. Call it desire, lust, longing- whatever you want. But let me tell you, the pheromones were f-l-o-w-i-n-g. Even before Mr. Stiller (or should I just call him my boyfriend at this point?) came on stage, I knew I was in for a treat. Little did I know, however, just how much of a treat it was going to be. Let me tell you, this man has aged like fine wine. From the second he walked in to the second he walked out, I was entranced by his mesmerizing chocolatey orbs. Even the energy being exuded by all of the COM students in the room couldn’t dampen my desire. I needed this man. In my bones!
After a brief introduction, during which Ben displayed his inherent natural charm (Looks and personality?? Certainly no man could have both!), we watched an episode of Severance to really get the creative juices flowing. And some other juices, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down...
Watching the show, I came to realize just how talented my boyfriend really is. The fact that he can write, direct, act, and be that sexy? It’s too much for a girl like me to handle. Afterwards, there was a Q&A during which Mr. Stiller answered a variety of unhinged questions from the most desperate film majors I have ever seen in my entire life. But that just goes to show how accommodating and gracious my boyfriend can be. And my God, his hands??? Even from the back of the auditorium, I could tell how big they were. And then that got me thinking… What else can those hands do besides direct? I could think of a few things… perhaps involving sex… with Ben Stiller….Nevertheless, I eventually was able to claw out of my horny mind palace and return back to reality. But, I’ll never forget an evening with Ben Stiller. Scratch that, my evening with Ben Stiller. Because when two people really love each other, it really does feel like there’s no one else in the room. Ben, if you’re reading this, I hope you feel the same way too. Let’s make some magic happen.