Local Kids Take Field Trip to GSZOO to Observe Collegiate Wildlife
By: Izzy Horney
If you’ve ever stepped foot in the George Sherman Union at Boston University, you understand the sheer and utter chaos that consumes the food court. The animalistic nature of the student body would be a jarring sight for any outsider looking to get a sense of what our fantastic BU has to offer. I, tour guide Horney, am going to take you on a wild ride through our little collegiate safari. I hope you’re strapped with pepper spray and Bud Light! You never know what distractions we may require to make a clean getaway at a moment's notice. The safari is a dangerous and unpredictable place. Picture the Mean Girls lunchroom scene on steroids. That was high school. This is college. In college, the students have already blossomed into their full-fledged stereotypes and embraced their zoo-like personas. Hop in my hot pink G-Wagon while I take you on a wild, unforgettable ride.
Our first stop is, of course, the hippos. They like to take up space, engorge on all of the food in sight, and flash their red backpacks at unsuspecting onlookers. Motto Motto likes them big and he likes them chunky. Yep, you guessed it! Student athletes. Don’t leave your Halal Shack chicken lying around unless you want them to snatch it up for some extra gains.
Next up, we approach the small back room nestled safely away from imposing predators. The innocent meerkats hide in their special reserved hole, untainted by the dangers of the 1-3 p.m. lunch rush. BU Academy kids dine on their packed lunches while getting a secondhand head rush from the puff bar smoke that blows their way. Try not to be too loud or you’ll scare them away! Nobody really knows how they contribute to the safari ecosystem, but they’re cute nonetheless.
Now we direct our attention to the shrieks (in E minor) in the distance. They travel in packs and always fly in perfectly choreographed formations. Their feathers are color-coordinated and they will encourage you to join their flock. The aviary of songbirds is usually seen tabling near the front doors offering free candy in exchange for your dignity. The Acapella groups are a rare breed on campus. Audition for them and they may just take a big fat shit on you, as birds do. Don’t worry, it's good luck!
Let’s make our way into the dimly lit back court where we can spot some reptiles hiding from the sun. Their flashy exterior may be deceiving, but when they shed their skin, the grim and ugly personality comes to the surface. Hang around these snakes for too long and their constricting wrap will cut off all circulation, killing any brain cells you may have had left. Those Questrom sSssSnakes are lurking and waiting to swallow you whole.
Look to the left and you can spot a tragic sight wallowing in the puddle formed by the leaky water fountain that is always out of order. The infamous blobfish, better known as your ex-lover. It's like a car crash on the highway. Terribly horrific, but you just can’t seem to let yourself look away.
Speaking of stinky, dead ahead lie the mammals known for their wretched odor that can keep anyone and everyone at a safe distance. You can find the engineering majors marinating in their five-day-old sweatpants and athletic shoes that clearly aren’t getting any action. Their scent offers protection from social lives, romantic prospects, and any form of fun.
Slowly crawling towards Panda Express for some of that good good sticky orange chicken is the lethargic box turtle. Their red eyes can be spotted from miles away and nobody ever sees them leave the confines of the GSZOO. They have everything they need. Food, water, and outlets to charge their dab pens. The stoners are busy unlocking the secrets of the universe while we daytime sober folk worry about timing our Grubhub orders to make it to lectures on time.
If you shift your focus to basically anywhere you can hear the loud and obnoxious sounds of the tiger pistol shrimp. Very small and insignificant, one might think. But they like to make their presence known by blasting a playlist nobody asked for on their comically large JBL speaker sticking out of their backpack. It's that guy with the speaker. You know the one. And yes, they somehow managed to graduate high school and make it here.
Unfortunately, we are approaching the end of our ride. Don’t fret, because the journey continues at the iconic Fitness and Recreation Center. Extra animal close encounters are offered on Saturday nights at Pratt Street. Tickets drop at midnight.
*Boston University & Horney Tours Co. are not liable for any psychological or physical harm suffered by participants during or after grand safari tours.