She Write on my Article Til I Bunion: Memoirs of a Court Jester

by Isabella Reish

I’ve been writing for this stinky little publication since I was a college freshman. I can confidently say that it has ruined my entire life. I’ve simply become too famous. I am swamped by fans and admirers everywhere I go, saying things like, “Aren’t you the extremely hot, funny person that wrote an article about pissing on the floor of the Jenga building?” and “I loved that joke you made about eating deli turkey out of the fridge like an animal. I’m in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Sadly for all of you losers, I am moving to Los Angeles to pursue my dream of being attacked by a shark, writing a book about it, and traveling the world doing inspirational TED talks about the persistence of the human spirit. I would say that it wasn’t an easy decision, but it absolutely was. I have never had an easier time making a decision, actually.

Let’s take a look back at what I contributed during my time here. Who do you think pays to keep the website up and running? That’s right. Me. Via a series of high profile bank robberies. Oopsies! Not only was I providing the funding for the domain name, I was single handedly generating the power used by an online publication via a giant human hamster wheel. One of my greatest moments was when I rode a horse bareback down Boylston street while writing an article. Then I published the article, did a backflip off of the horse, and shotgunned a yerba mate. Everyone cheered and clapped. It was awesome.

So yeah. Good luck without me, Bunion. Because you’re going to need it. Peace out.

Editor’s note: We have never heard of “Isabella Reish” before and assume that this is a fake name taken on by a particularly sexy AI.