POV: You Asked Your Mom for Dating Advice, Forgetting that she Chose to Date Your Biological Father

The dating life of a young woman is a turbulent one, often filled with unpredictable twists and turns. Fortunately, we have our elders to look to for advice. Mothers in particular are a source of wisdom and strength in a girl’s life. 

Not mine though, that woman is a dumb ass.

Let me explain.

It was the summer of 1999 when my parents met, and I was born the following year. But instead of getting to enjoy the early days of motherhood in a pre-9/11 world, things didn’t exactly turn out the way you’d expect for my mom.

You see, my father wasn’t the kind of guy you’d want to get involved with. A chronic womanizer, and absent father to dozens of children, anger issues, and a big ego. On top of all that, the guy’s married too. But he’s a powerful man, and some women like that, and my parents’ Y2K fling was one to remember. 

Alas, soon after I was born, my father’s jealous and ruthless wife learned of the affair, and set out to get revenge on my mother. 

You see, dear reader, my father was no normal man, and my father’s wife was no mere woman. So when my mother became the other woman, she would not receive a normal punishment. My father’s wife enacted her revenge swiftly, and cruelly.

The goddess Hera turned my mother into a donkey. 

Yeah, I said it. Being daughter of Zeus isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

Being a demi-god has it’s perks, sure, I was able to survive as a parentless child, without getting eaten by wolves, but that’s not as unique in the 21st century when Child Protective Services exist. And of course, I still have the responsibility of caring for my poor mother, the donkey. Every morning, I wake up at the crack of dawn to muck out the stables, and brush my mother’s coat, feeding her hay in the early morning hours. Sometimes, I try to ask her advice, and all I get is a bray or a chuff in response. 

“Should I text him back?”

“Hee-haw”

“He seems nice, but I just don’t think he’s that attractive. Does that make me shallow?”

“Hee-haaaaw”

“If I go out with a son of Apollo, would it still be incest? God DNA doesn’t work like that does it? I’m into musicians.” 

Silence. 

I send Zeus emails every now and then, asking him if he can come around sometime and reverse the transformation, but I guess he’s too busy trying to hide his other affairs. I call Hera every now and then, suggesting that over two decades has been enough time for my mother to have learned her lesson, but Hera insists that that’s nothing in god time, and that I should be grateful she stopped punishing Zeus’s bastard children too. 

At the very least, I find that Hera is at least willing to make small talk while Zeus doesn’t, and serves as a substitute for maternal advice. 

“I’ve been dating this guy that’s pretty cool recently, but he keeps avoid the ‘what are we conversation’”

“Set his house on fire.”

“I like him, but I don’t know if we have similar life goals.”

“Hold him captive in your basement.”

“Ew, My cousin just asked me on a date!”

“Don’t worry about it, god DNA doesn’t work like that.” 

“No, like a human cousin.”

Silence.