“I’m not from here,” Says Guy Who Moved to The US When He Was Two

By Izzy Horney

There’s something about an international man that is so enigmatic. They aren’t from here. So, obviously they aren’t like other guys you’d normally encounter in Boston. He wears khakis and a Tommy Hilfiger polo tee, with the collar popped of course. He lurks on the outskirts of frat row hoping for stumbling freshmen to cock their heads in his lackluster direction. The USPS blue mail box seems like the perfect spot to perch atop and wait for his prey. 

A small group of girls is probably around the corner looking for a new character in their lives. These conversations don’t usually last long unless he really sells the fake accent. Odds are he rolls his own cigarettes and listens to fall out boy and French alternative techno music. They all probably start talking and he decides to tell them about the new podcast he’s launching talking about women’s rights. I don’t use the term “skeezball” all that often, but this man emulates hardcore skeezball energy. The Dior Sauvage cologne has probably given you a contact high at this point, but this opportunity seems too good to pass up. 

What could this mystery beta male be up to on a night like this? You approach, with caution. Puffbar in hand, he sends a cloud of smoke in your direction, agitating your asthma. Off to a strong start. He’ll probably tell you a story about the time when he moved to “the states'' and everything changed. “Food portions are so much bigger here,” he’d say. Meanwhile, he most certainly moved to a shitty suburb in Jersey while he was still munching on his mommy's breast milk. Alas you keep entertaining his stories until someone hotter comes along and he loses all interest. 

These kinds of social experiments are not for the faint of heart, but if you want to find one of these specimens for yourself, you won't have to trek far. Be warned: Do not exchange socials unless you’re willing to see what his face really looks like in broad daylight. And remember, the loud-ass BMW sport you see him driving down Comm Ave does mean that he has a small penis.