I Sobbed So Hard to The New Boygenius Album I collapsed a Lung

By Piper Hope

Last Friday was the long-awaited day: boygenius album drop. Our patron saints are at their strongest; Julien Baker making religious references with a hey mamas attitude, Lucy Dacus reminding you of the time your crush in middle school made you cry while laying down at recess, and Phoebe Bridgers who is still sad. 

When I listened to The Record I had to text my roommate making sure she was in a class that would last at least an hour, and if she wasn’t she just had to make herself scarce, because nothing could interrupt this personal high (emotional low). I started off strong, laying on my bed like a corpse, I was able to get through two songs without a single tear, but as soon as "Emily I’m Sorry" began I knew that was over. I’d like to thank the members of the boygenius team for peer pressuring Phoebe into using female pronouns, it’s truly a glorious day. 

I collected myself during "True Blue," "Cool About It" I had to resist thinking about my tumultuous high school friendships so I could make it through, I barely did. "Not Strong Enough" I bopped my little head to and that was it. Then came "Revolution 0," thirty seconds in I stopped balling and started bawling. Uh oh. I was no longer laying like a corpse but curled up in the fetal position. At this point my brain has been pavlov dogged into shedding tears every time I hear Phoebe’s voice. And then they hit us with "Leonard Cohen"????? The word horny was used in this song and still I was weeping.

"Satanist" makes me uncurl just a little, but we’re back with "We Are in Love." Oh boy! This song and its lyrics upset me in ways that I have never been upset before. Lucy Dacus more like Loosey Tear Ducts, because those puppies were flowing. "Anti-Curse" was another restful moment, the calm before the storm if you will, before the big one.

I had heard whispers of this on the streets: one of the songs on The Record is described as “Me & My Dog 2: The Squeakquel.” By the last song I was starting to think that I had been tricked by these rumors, boygenius wouldn’t do such a thing, so many semi-innocent gay people would die. But here it was, and I was listening to it, Phoebe Bridgers was singing lyrics so out of pocket that I was at this point convulsing. By the final bridge I was so racked by violent sobs that my lungs fully collapsed, and now as I write this from the great beyond I would like to say that it was worth it. I died doing what I truly love, BOYGENIUS 4EVER.