BU’s New Promotional Tactic: Group Orgy On Marsh Chapel Steps Viewable From Live Stream Camera

By: Abbie Garretson

While on FaceTime with my mother, she asks me what I am doing this weekend. Enthusiastically, I respond: “group orgy on the Marsh Chapel steps.” She of course laughs and says, “oh perfect, right where it is visible by the live stream camera.” As a frequent stalker of social media, I knew she and many other Facebook moms would be ecstatic about this promotional tactic. I laugh as well to put her at ease so she doesn’t see the stress behind my eyes.

Two weeks ago I sat down with President Brown to propose this new event. I knew we needed something to finally put BU on the map for Ivy League status (and hopefully gain President Brown's favor). Brown and Yale have Nude Parties all the time, why can’t we! However, I may have slayed too hard. Boston University trusted me to not only participate in their new live orgy, but to lead it. I am only one woman. How am I supposed to handle hundreds of college students as they go at it Terrier style? Will We be able to properly honor Daniel L. Marsh as we consummate our college experience in his place of worship?

Worries rack my brain but I take a deep breath and go over the plans. First I send a mass text to every gay kid I know on campus (all of them) with details. The dress code will of course be Winnie the Pooh style: our orientation shirts and nothing on the bottom. We will be meeting on the first floor of Warren to march to Marsh Chapel in a parade of polygamy. Finally, I email SHS as the condom fairy has also agreed to supply an unlimited amount of custom BU condoms with Rett on the tip. While I am still scared, I am ready. I will hold my head high and lead this school-sanctioned orgy for my love of BU and debauchery. 

Tune in this June 9th. (06/9/23)