Acafella: Why I can’t take a man seriously once he starts harmonizing

“Unzunzunzunz, baddoompbaaana, dm dm dm dm dm”

Oh, so sorry I couldn’t really hear anything over the sounds of male beatboxing. Why am I specifying it’s male beatboxing, you ask? Because when a man is on a stage trying to ‘zoomzoomzoomzoom’ I cannot see past the fact that he is a man on stage going “woahhhheyyywoaaaah,” like be serious man. 

This might be a bit too niche for the Bunion, but this is a cause on campus that I am deeply passionate about. So please regular Bunion audience, indulge me in this horrendous happening.

Not to get all traditional gender roles here — for real I hate that shit, but sometimes it’s neccessary —but I miss the days when all men did was go to work and provide. Now they want to sing???? This is not what any of us signed up for, ladies and gents, why should we have to deal with men who want to sing in three-part harmonies when they don’t even try being breadwinners. “Ahhhahhhhahhhhhbabow,” damn they’re they go again.

Now some of you may say, “well Grace, a man who has musical talents is hot and sensitive and in touch with his feelings,” but I raise you this: imagine watching a man sing at you, looking you in the eyes. Scary isn’t it? Now imagine, they’re running full-speed at you, nightmare fuel, right? 

But I know I’m not innocent in this; I can’t blame everything on a man — believe me I’ve tried. I am a bit of a hater (shocking, I know), so if I am supposed to be listen to a man, or worse a group of men, singing their hearts out so earnestly, I’m going to laugh. For real, “skaskaskaskaskaska???” Believe me, I know it sounds cruel, but it’s just so ridiculous to me, and I can’t contain my giggles. 

College is a breeding ground for this behavior because everyone suddenly thinks they are “Pitch Perfect” and Treblemakers material — newsflash Eric, no one cares if you auditioned for “The Voice,” please stop singing Wonderwall in the Stuvi II lobby. 

Don’t get me started on the effects that a male tenor has on me (spoiler alert: it’s real bad). Every “oOOOOooh” drives me up a tree and sends shivers down my spine. I physically recoil — if I were a turtle I would hide in my little shell — when I hear any song sung by: Billy Joel, John Mayer, Weezer, Rex Orange County (seriously fellas, you’re still streaming???), and Drake (again please never do this, I don’t want this to be inspiration for any future male singers). It’s terrifying to be around me during these times — I go full Sue Sylvester (anti-Glee Club). 

They are everywhere; it’s an epidemic. If there is an open space full of people, there will be men trying to get you to listen to them sing. In that situation I will briefly make eye contact (because they deserve to know that I saw them and am going to avoid interacting with them at all costs), and then I will walk straight pass them with a silly little grin because if I look at them for too long I will laugh far too loud to be acceptable in public.