The Crime of Being a Warren Starbucks Customer: Apologizing with My Eyes

By: Helena Flynn 

I can tell within seconds of meeting someone that they have never worked a service job in their life. They don’t have that visceral reaction when they have to become the one thing they hated more than anything: a customer. 

No matter what you do, you are ruining that Warren Starbucks baristas day just by walking in and wanting something. I can’t explain my guilt for being a selfish loser freak always wanting something. 

To combat this overwhelming pain and guilt, I have a different set of eyes I call “my kind eyes”. Widening my eyes and putting on the most agreeable smile, I feel like I am just exuding kindness and relatability. 

When showing others my kind eyes, I sadly don’t get the same reaction. I mostly see looks of terror and confusion. But maybe they don’t get it, maybe they don’t feel the same guilt. They don’t feel the need to say “if that’s ok!!!!!!!” after every word they speak. 

The Warren Starbucks GrubHub wait is an hour. However, at that moment I don’t care if they’ve been working for 8 hours, I need my latte. 

But in line, my perspective shifts. I remember that I am now public enemy #1: a customer. 

I put on my “kind eyes” and aggressively throw in some please and thank yous, looking apologetic and considerate. 

The barista looks at me and smiles, a small shy smile. He grabs me and pulls me across the counter. 

“Wait, are you the kindest, most relatable, and understanding customer in the world ever?” 

“Yes. Yes I am.”

We embrace fondly and he hands me a room temperature lemon loaf. 

“I’m gluten free.” But he doesn’t care. He loves me. He loves me because my kind eyes and warm loving heart have absolved my sin of being a customer. 

But then I am thrown. Thrown up into the air and slammed against the oven where they reheat those delicious plastic tasting sandwiches.  

The Barista grabs a plastic knife and somehow cuts his face open into a smile like the Joker. He turns to me with an insane yet peaceful look in his eye and says, “You may smile. You may be sorry. But you will never escape. You are your biggest fear: a customer.”