Student Health Services Sends Five Graduate Students On A Quest To Find All The Missing Adderall

By Herbert Waters

Five graduate students were walking in front of CAS one day, when a dimensional hole suddenly opened beneath their feet. They fell for ten seconds, landing softly at the front desk of Student Health Services. 

In walks a disheveled Judy Platt. Gripping the shoulders of the one student aware enough to stand up, she tells him to “find the Adderall. All of it. Do so, and you will receive six dollars.”

Armed with two 2016 MacBook Airs, dental floss, and union-issued Wiffle bats, the five set out for Allston, following the arcane ass map Platt handed them at the office. The map disintegrated as soon as they reached Harvard Avenue, where they spotted an oddly-dressed figure beckoning them towards a nondescript basement door. 

Once inside, the figure introduced himself as a member of the Adderall Guardsmen, hired by BU to keep the Addies flowing so the Disability Services backlog would be more excusable. He regaled the questers with the lore behind the Adderall shortage: some maidenless bio majors stole their entire stash in order to perform better in League Of Legends. In order to recover the pills, the five would have to enter Towers undetected, using BUIDs belonging to undergraduates. 

The promise of six dollars driving them more than any Adderall ever could, the students pickpocketed the BUIDs they needed from the endless traffic in front of CDS. Arriving at the room the Guardsman specified, they collectively bodyslam the door open, landing in a three-foot-tall pile of McDelivery bags. As they got to their feet, two bio majors hopped down from their lofted beds, pill organizers in each hand. “Before you do anything rash, we’ll double Platt’s offer. Twelve dollars, and we keep the Adderall.” The students were more than happy to oblige. It was a win-win situation for all: the five got double their money, and the bio majors stayed maidenless. All’s well that ends well.