BU Beach To Increase Social Distancing Mandates By Planting Landmines

BU BEACH -- Boston University’s historic Back2BU campaign is ramping up its social distancing precautions with the planting of landmines at BU Beach. The popular hangout spot has had portions blocked off, but that effort has not deterred crowds. After a rowdy game of bocce ball late on Tuesday night, school officials have decided to take matters into their own hands. The decision to put explosive devices in the park was “necessary” according to Duncan McKay, the explosives expert who installed the landmines. “The school told me that this is the only way to ensure the safety of their students. I honestly gotta hand it to ‘em for caring that much about their student body, you don’t see that at a lot of schools.”When asked about the severity of the landmines explosive power, McKay spoke candidly,“I mean, these little beauties I just planted are the real deal. I got ‘em off a dude in Worcester whose basement reeked of lye. They’ll blast a kid outta here like how Big Papi hit grand slams, but hey, it’s better than getting sick. Corona is no joke, man.”The landmines are planted six feet apart and outfitted with F*ck It Won’t Cut It stickers, as this effort was done in conjunction with the student-led movement. One member of the organization, Claire Collins (CAS ‘23), stated, “I’m for it. Any exposure is good exposure… Except ‘rona!”Student Health officials sent out an email earlier today informing students of the recent “landscape developments” on campus. The email also stated that the university “was hesitant to let students know about the landmines” as a way to teach an important, valuable lesson to the student body about public health guidelines. McKay is confident that his “little beauties” will be effective enough to prevent large gatherings at BU Beach. “They said if this dry-run goes well, then I can plant some more at Nickerson Field! Some wicked gig, huh?!