After Another Scare, TikTok Control Pills, Implant Considered

BOSTON– After months of scares, uncertainty, and stress, thousands of American teens are taking charge of their health and going on the Pill- the TikTok Pill.“First it was Microsoft, then it was Walmart, then I thought it was getting banned for good,” complained Maya Strong (QST ‘21). “The stress of every month, having to worry that it would be a positive result- that Tiktok would be getting deleted- was getting to be too much.”Strong, like many, has decided to take control of her situation regarding the video-sharing app rumored to be getting banned from the United States.“Yeah, I went on the Pill. The TikTok Pill,” Strong explained. “It prevents TikTok from getting deleted off my phone. Now, there’s no panic every month when I hear the rumors starting- I know I’m protected.”While the Pill has been around for years, the new TikTok implant has also gained popularity. Morgan Doverton (CAS ‘21) explained why they chose to get the implant now.“Well, who knows what the world will look like in a few months,” Doverton said. “At the very least I want to make sure I’ve got my damn TikTok. After graduation I may be unemployed, uninsured, and unprotected by my government, but at least I can dance to WAP to make myself feel better.”The vacancy created in the Supreme Court by the passing of Justice Ginsburg has worried many about the state of their TikTok autonomy. Judge Amy Coney Barrett is in line to fill the late Justice’s seat, and her feelings on the topic are clear.“If there’s one thing I hate more than women having control over their own bodies, it’s women having fun,” Judge Barrett said when asked about TikTok. “I will do everything in my power to protect these innocent teens from having rights, and freedoms. Don’t worry, middle-aged men who are overly concerned with teenage girls’ bodies- I’m on the case.”At press time, counter protests to the TikTok Pill had begun to gather outside of medical centers where it was being prescribed, chanting that those on the Pill are “Renegading with the Devil.”