Based On The Rhett Bench’s Posture, Students Think He’s Voting Independent

BU BEACH — As two self-confident arms stretch out onto the metal strips of a bench, prospective students stroll past with a curious gaze. The air is thick with political tension, as it should be– Bernie Sanders had recently rallied in Boston– but the apathetic display of the Rhett Bench’s posture implies that he was unmoved by the politician’s proposed simulation of socialism, and equally so by the libel against President Donald Trump. In fact, one student reported that he heard hints of The Joe Rogan Experience as they passed the bench, a podcast often trumpeted by a certain demographic. The 2020 election is a hot topic for many. So what, exactly, is the Rhett Bench’s political affiliation? “Independent,” John Shwartz (CAS ’20) explained. “Libertarian, maybe. It explains a lot, you know. You ever take a closer look at the statue? You ever notice how confident he is? How above it all he seems?” “It is a classic display of masculinity,” says Kathy Lowell (CAS’ 23), a psychology student. “Hubris exudes from the statue like radioactivity. Yes, he is a statue. Yes, he is made of bronze. But do you think bronze that sits like that would ever vote for Joe Biden?” Another CAS student agrees: “I saw the words 'Laissez-faire,’ carved into the bench, once,” she said with a shrug. “He’s libertarian, for sure. There’s that smug look in his eyes – one only Reddit can teach.”  When asked further, the student shook her head. “No one who believed in the two-party system would sit like that. Not like he does.” ‘He,’ referred to so magnanimously, is just a bench. A dog bench. A bench with a statue of a dog. It seems to be a debate amongst the student body whether or not this dog, if given the chance, would vote independent, based purely on the statue’s demeanor.  Reports indicate that numerous Poly Sci students have slept in front of the Rhett Bench in an effort to sway him towards a particular party to no avail. The Bunion has asked Rhett Bench for a statement on the 2020 election. He has seemingly chose a rebellious vow of silence.