Breaking: Satan Controls Campus Housing, Among Other Services

In a closed door deposition, it was revealed that Satan has been the acting Vice President for Facilities Management, and that long time administrator Tom Daley was actually a ventriloquist doll this whole time.For students who live on campus, this news comes as anything but a shock. Only the demonic work of Lucifer himself could account for the Hell-like conditions of on campus housing, which become especially catastrophic when the cold winter months hit Boston.“Consider the temperature extremes a favor,” said the Prince of Darkness. “Since all these students are going to Hell anyways, at least now they’ll be prepared.”Satan has a long history of fucking with BU students. A few years ago, he became responsible for overseeing the BUS schedule, as well as transfer credit evaluations. He’s also been linked to CFA construction, financial aid, and large groups of people walking in a horizontal line on the sidewalk.Regardless, campus housing conditions are indisputably the pinnacle of Satan’s work at BU.“Sometimes my apartment is so cold I feel like the insulation was eaten by rats, but then hours later, I have to strip down to my short and curlies because of how scorchingly hot gets,” said South Campus resident Zane Isaacs (CAS ‘20).Satan responded to these complaints.“Rats can practically survive a nuclear holocaust, so it’s pretty pathetic that you can’t. That’s also why they’re my campus-housing vermin of choice,” he said.At press time, it was acknowledged by the administration that Satan will soon take charge of the BU Hub.