Freshman Wears Keys Around Neck Like Little Baby

WARREN TOWERS-This freshman is a BABY! Simon Drakeford (CAS ‘23) currently wears his keys around his neck because he can’t keep track of his belongings unless they’re hanging from his goddamn person. Oh and - the lanyard gives him purpose.Born on March 20, 2019, Simon’s diet includes month-old breast milk and mashed sweet potatoes. SIKE! He’s actually a whittle European history major who is currently overloading and is miraculously at the top of his class.“I’m pretty sure his name is stitched on the inside AND outside of his underwear,” said Drakeford’s roommate, Johnny Simz (CAS ‘23). “It’s like he was born last week or something.” The Bunion has since confirmed that Simon’s name is indeed stitched in his underwear with bright pink threads. His Grandma threads his clothing, and he is very defensive of his Nana.At press time, Simon’s girlfriend, Marsha Chase (COM ‘23) confirmed that he even keeps the key around his neck during sex. “I asked him if he wanted to be choked with the key lanyard, but he said he only likes to that to himself in private.” A source told the Bunion that they have since broken up.