BC Launches Crusade In Effort To Reclaim Marsh Chapel, Convert Heathens

MARSH CHAPEL—Students leaving class were met with a strange sight Wednesday, when 9,000 Boston College undergrads trotted down Comm Ave on horseback, clad in shining armor and yelling battle cries. Their mission? To reclaim Marsh Chapel.The armor-clad crusaders had traveled from the far off land of Chestnut Hill, previously thought to be mythical, in hopes to recapture the Holy Land that once thrived in the heart of Boston before us HEATHENS came along.Armed with bows and arrows and swords dripping with the blood of pagans, the horsemen descended on Marsh Plaza, rushing into the Chapel to reclaim what was once theirs.“We fight for our holy leader and president Father Leahy! We will reclaim what should be rightfully ours!” said one crusader.The bloodthirsty warriors fought tirelessly but students walking to class barely noticed, dodging stray arrows as they hurried to class.“There’s always something happening on Marsh. If it was serious I’d get an alert,” said Jenny Sims (CAS ‘20), seconds before being impaled by a sword.The crusaders faced a tough opponent: President Brown and his deadly rolling briefcase. Swinging it about at light speed, the mini wheels slashed through armor and left a trail of BC blood running all the way to the BU Beach.The crusaders left in bitter defeat, leaving nothing but horse dung and blood smeared on the Seal.Before they left, they managed to loot SHS. After all, condoms are hard to come by in their Catholic homeland.