President Brown To Use Tuition Increase For A “Pretty Neat Hat”

SILBER WAY—Recently, President Brown announced that tuition will increase 3.6% for the upcoming academic year. While the notice didn’t elaborate on reasons for the increase, sources close to the president say that it will fund his ongoing search for a pretty neat hat.“He definitely needs a new one,” admits his secretary. “The hat in his office right now is just a small plastic training cone taped to a velcro chin strap.”“I don’t know which godforsaken haberdashery he frequents,” said one of Brown’s colleagues. “At the last meeting, he wore one that was just a used Chili’s menu folded into a paper boat.”His advisors firmly believe that Brown’s new hat justifies a tuition increase.“His old unfashionable hats make this an unhealthy work environment,” said one man on the verge of tears. “I totally understand where he’s coming from—I have a dandy propeller hat myself. It’s hard though, men like us see everything as hats. When I’m holding my infant son, staring at his wide, innocent eyes and toothy smile, I find myself thinking, ‘Could this be a hat?”Sobbing, he put his head on the table and slammed it with his fists.“WHEN WILL IT END? WHEN WILL THE GOOD PRESIDENT GET HIS PERFECT HAT?”Emboldened, another advisor spoke up.“Can you imagine how hard it must be to see everyone with the hat of their dreams when all you’re wearing is an inverted fish bowl with holes punched through the bottom? You know that you look like a fool, but you can’t even muster shame... All you feel is unbridled longing.”When asked why the student body never sees him wearing one of his many hats, President Brown leaned in and winked.“It’s my invisible hat,” he stage-whispered. “If you can’t see it, that means it’s working.”At press time, President Brown was seen eating cereal out of a fedora while wearing the bowl on his head.