Banana Shortage Epidemic Day 93: Increasingly Desperate Dining Hall Resorts to Serving Display Fruit

BAY STATE DINING HALL—Yesterday, all dining halls on campus made the shocking, revolutionary decision to serve display fruit due to the shortage of bananas. It has been a trying few months for BU students as they mentally fight to stay calm and collected throughout this difficult time.

Thanks to the genius of Bay State Dining Hall Manager Elizabeth Carson, students will now be able to eat display fruit to make up for the lack of ‘naners. “Students have been coming up to us for years asking, ‘Is that fruit real?’ ‘Do you think we could eat those carrots?’ ‘That pepper looks fake,’” recounted Carson, in an email to The Bunion. “So, we decided in our darkest hour it was finally time to share them with the student body.”

The Bunion sent some reporters to different dining halls on campus to see what students had to say about the decision. At West, student athlete Dan Daniels (CGS ‘19) said he is “excited to try the veggies. They always look so much better than what’s out to actually eat.” At Warren, Helen Stamer (CAS ‘19) told The Bunion that she doesn’t believe the fruit and vegetables are real: “I feel like they’re just going to swap them out for this, but they are for sure plastic. There’s no way that those are real.” Bay State regular Georgia Tall (ENG ‘18) says she is ready to make the swap from bananas to display fruit: “I knew they were edible. All along. Everyone doubted me, but I knew that they kept replacing them. I have no idea how they do it or what they do with those fruits, but they’re real and I’m going to eat them if it’s the last thing I do before graduating.”

At press time, Carson was seen placing an individualized “Sargent’s Choice” sign in front of every single fruit and vegetable while proudly announcing that every single one is both vegan and gluten-free.