Student Government in Turmoil After No One Votes in Election

INFORMATION SYSTEMS & TECHNOLOGY—When the IT department sent out polls for Student Government’s annual election, they were shocked and appalled to find a total of zero votes from the student body.

Before the big election, Daniel Computerman (ENG ’63), head of network integrity, confidently told our reporters to “expect some downtime in the network, due the number of votes we expect to process in the coming days.” Computerman has worked every day since the last election, prepping his networks for the coveted day. “I even missed my high school sweetheart’s daughter’s birthday party. Network integrity is just my passion,” he told Bunion reporters.

Jessica O’Willis (CAS ’19), a candidate for student body president, passionately told The Bunion how excited she is to fix the important issues plaguing the university, such as the catastrophic dining hall banana shortage. “When the banana company sends its bananas, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending good bananas. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good bananas,” O’Willis said at a rally. Though O’Willis anticipated approximately three million illegal voters from Boston College for her opponent, she still prepared for a landslide victory filled with student enthusiasm for her campaign.

On election day, The Bunion checked in with Computerman and O’Willis on the status of voting. “We’re looking really strong, the numbers are really looking strong,” O’Willis said. Computerman did concede, however, that we have not actually processed any votes, leaving the fate of the Student Government unclear.

At press time, O’Willis declared herself the leader of student government, despite there being no government actually elected. “Sometimes, I just get sick and tired of all this winning,” lamented O’Willis.