President Brown’s Rolling Briefcase Opens on Comm Ave, Corpse of Original Rhett Mascot Tumbles Out

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ZINNEKIN’S FOOD TRUCK- Ever since his first term as president of Boston University back in 1918, students have wondered just what President Brown could possibly be keeping in the rolling briefcase that never leaves his side. Last Tuesday, students’ curiosity was finally quelled.

At 12:53pm, Bunion reporters spotted President Brown on the sidewalk in front of the COM Lawn, briefcase in hand, when suddenly the latch burst open and out fell the corpse of the original Rhett the Boston Terrier, President Brown’s beloved rescue dog from 1922 until his death in 1922.

“I always see him buying, like, sixteen Zinnekin’s waffles at a time,” said passerby Billium Squire (QST ‘18). “I just assumed he hoarded waffles in there.”

“You would expect the dog’s body to have decayed by now,” noted student Kayla Winters (SGT ‘20) who happened to look up from her perfect MCAT results at the moment of the incident. “But it was perfectly intact. That briefcase must be filled with formaldehyde.”

President Brown was reportedly frazzled by the accident, his face burning with BU pride as it turned a deep scarlet. He was seen scrambling to gather the body back into his briefcase, splitting his dress pants as he bent down to stuff in a paw, which broke off and rolled into a nearby storm drain. He then straightened his coat and avoided eye contact with onlookers as he continued his long and treacherous hobble down Commonwealth Ave.

Surprisingly, the incident led to an unprecedented spike in BU school spirit throughout the student body. While on a run down Comm Ave, one disgruntled track team, after having lost their last meet, reported feeling rejuvenated at the sight of their beloved mascot, and they continued that day’s workout in high spirits.