BU Shuttle to Eliminate All Stops and Brakes to Improve Efficiency

PARKING & TRANSPORTATION SERVICES—The BU Shuttle happily announced on its Twitter account today that it will be addressing concerns and complaints from students over a lack of efficiency. In order to improve average campus covering time, the Shuttle will no longer make stops of any kind.“We thought long and hard about how to improve our system,” explained transportation director Liam Colabella, “and we realized that our shuttles were spending far too much time not moving when they could instead be moving.”The decision has been praised by administration officials after seeing estimates on the new lap times of BU Shuttles, which have been projected as being over 5 minutes shorter.“The trick of course,” continued Colabella, “is that the rate of accidents has increased by about 5000%. But our plan accounts for this because we are always building at least three new shuttles at any given time to replace the damaged ones. Students will see this reflected in their tuition bills, but we believe they will be content considering the faster shuttle times.”The MBTA has also praised the decision as the number of Green Line riders has risen considerably, though Colabella does not believe this coincides with the 100% decrease in shuttle passengership.“We’ve also made strides in providing more room for passengers,” said Colabella, “by eliminating unnecessary features within the shuttles, such as chairs, stop buttons, and drivers. Though they do not carry drivers licenses, bricks have been proven to move shuttles at maximum speed, something students will be happy to hear.”At press time, a lone student appears to be stuck on a shuttle, having passed his stop somewhere between 10 and 20 times.