“I Can’t Wait to Use These” Yells Overcompensating Freshman After Buying Condoms

CVS PHARMACY—Reports confirmed that Billy Timson (CAS ’19) raised his voice considerably and shouted “I can’t wait to use these condoms for sex in my bed tonight and for the rest of the week” after purchasing 12 packs of Trojan XL Magnun Ribbed Condoms from a local pharmacy.“Don’t these condoms come in any larger sizes,” Timson asked. “I mean, with these things it will be like putting a bowling ball into a baby’s sock.”Timson is not the first person to enter a local pharmacy and buy condoms with bravado. John Geshing, the manager of the pharmacy, said that new students often come in beating their chests about how they are constantly in a state of intercourse.“A lot of kids come into the store as if they are sex gods, but then they end up asking me and the other employees a lot of basic questions about how condoms work,” Timson said. “The other day a kid entered the store thinking that a condom was a type of birth-control pill.”At press time, Timson’s condoms were collecting dust under his bed, along with a Playboy Magazine from 1982 gifted to Timson by his father, Steven.