Student Newspaper Thinks It Can Be Funny Without Us

BUNION HQ—Despite two consecutive years of loving collaboration and hard work, Boston University’s leading student newspaper, the Daily Free Press, declined to work with Boston University’s leading satirical Tumblr page on any sort of April Fool’s content for 2015.Thousands are expected to gather in Marsh Chapel to mourn the loss of such incredible comedic potential.“I’m at a loss for words,” said former Bunion editor-in-chief Kevin Helms, as he read this article from an iPad on the deck of his yacht, the S.S. Insomnia. “This tragedy would have never occurred under my watch. Clearly, some sort of schism happened within BU’s two leading authorities on President Brown’s latest fuckups.”“Or, maybe the student newspaper with legitimate economic worries realized that they were giving half of their day’s content once a year to a blog that recently published an article using the word ‘midget’ in the headline,’” Helms continued. “That could have happened too.”Editors of the Free Press said that they respected what The Bunion had done for them in the past, but that it was time to move on.“The difference between our writers and the, uh, Boonion’s writers? Is that how you say it?” said FreeP food editor Calvin Edwards. “Anyways, the main difference between us, besides having bylines, is that we put this stuff on our resume to get onto the Boston Globe, and they don’t know what a resume is.”“Seriously, they don’t,” Edwards continued. “I went to one of their writers meetings one time (Eds. Note: EVERY SUNDAY AT NOON AT CAS 326) and they were just playing darts with President Brown’s head as the dartboard and farting a lot.”The Bunion’s current editors issued a statement via a series of Tumblr GIFs with quotes at the bottom that condemned the Free Press’ decision, but also conveyed a mutual sense of respect.“You midgets think you can just midget all over our dreams and midgets?” the statement began. “Well, go ahead, try to be funny. Just fucking try. We’ll be over here raking in our Facebook likes and Tumblr reblogs that’ll totally get us jobs at The Onion or The Onion.”“Midget, midget, midget,” the statement concluded.At press time, Bunion staff members were trying to figure out how President Brown was responsible for global warming, the Ukraine conflict and Germanwings Flight 9525.