Warren Mailroom Sure as Fuck Closed Right Now

WARREN TOWERS—Sources confirmed today that the Warren Mailroom is closing right this instant, despite hundreds of students’ dependence on it for both mail and printing.“You think I give a shit about the WR150 paper you need to print? Nah bitch—I’m out,” said mailroom employee Scooter Mitchell as he flipped off several freshman from B Tower waiting to pick up their freshly printed essays.“It’s 4:20 somewhere, am I right guys?” Mitchell added, high fiving fellow employees before knocking over a pile of packages labeled as fragile.Students living in Warren are calling this early closing a “massive inconvenience,” citing widespread missed paper deadlines and urgent packages currently inaccessible.“My mom sent me a care package that I know has at least a 6-pack of yellow Gatorade, another Kid Cudi poster for my room, and a tide to-go stick,” exclaimed panicking freshman Dirk Jimbleberg. “I’m sure it’s just sitting right inside that room, but the door is locked and there’s a sign up that says, ‘Gone Fishing Muthafuckas’ I don’t know what to do.”Mitchell and other employees reportedly dismissed students’ grievances by tweeting, “West is best #closedasfuck.”At press time, mailroom staff members were spotted in the Warren Dining Hall eating soft-serve ice-cream and drinking from a box of Franzia.