University To Present All Sargent Graduates With Free Handguns

BAY STATE ROAD—Following the Executive Committee of the Board of Trustees of Boston University's decision not to divest from civilian firearm manufacturers, the University announced plans to present all Sargent College graduates free handguns engraved “Class of 2015!” at commencement this year.Evidently unfazed by tragedies such as the Sandy Hook massacre in which dozens of kindergarteners were shot dead, and despite  pressure from the Advisory Committee on Socially Responsible Investing (ACSRI), the University firmly stands by its investments.“The University has seen great return on these investments, and the Board feels gifting handguns is a great way of thanking the devoted students who have emptied their life savings to fund their education and, indirectly, the growth of the firearm industry,” chair of the Board of Trustees Robert Knox (CAS ’74, GSM ’75) said, rinsing actual blood from his hands in front of reporters.Many students, previously unaware of the University’s investment holdings, have expressed outrage at the Board’s decision.“As a fervent supporter of gun reform, I find it deeply disturbing that my tuition dollars support the growth of such a cruel industry,” Darla Johnson (CFA ’17) said.Others, however, are excited at the prospect of complimentary gun ownership.“There is no feeling more comforting than that of cold metal pressed to your cheek,” Bart Jacobson (SAR ’15), who is a diagnosed violent schizophrenic, said.At press time, Knox was being rushed to urgent care after shooting himself in the leg.