President Brown Caught Building Cardboard Cutout Of Himself To Avoid Hearing

1 SILBER WAY—Boston University president Robert Brown was caught in the act of manufacturing a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself in what authorities say is the latest attempt to avoid appearing before a Boston City Council hearing on diversity in higher education.“I just, uh,” Brown said as city officials discovered him in his office applying a shade of grey to the cutout’s hair.“Uh,” the president continued, as he was handcuffed and taken to City Hall.Brown was issued a subpoena for failing to appear before the council last week. Though this maneuver is the latest in Brown’s numerous attempts to escape detection and avoid discussing potentially unsavory practices in hiring faculty and accepting more diverse students, it is not expected to be the last.“We first discovered an elaborate Ferris Bueller-type rig that triggered snoring sounds when you opened the door to his office,” said BPD officer Garrett Desmond. “That was built the day that he first got the subpoena.”“Now that he’s finally been apprehended, we may be able to discuss why hiring a specific clientele of faculty and refusing to allow more diverse student bodies is harmful to – oh no, he’s gone again.”Authorities are currently working on canceling all of Brown’s meetings for Dec. 19, the day that the panel is scheduled to meet, and decommissioning the private cruise to the Bahamas that Brown had coordinated the week before.“It makes you wonder what he’s hiding,” said Theo Chang (CAS ‘16). “Even after he was threatened with arrest, he tried to dye his mustache black when he came to work yesterday. It didn’t fool anyone."At press time, Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore was seen sporting a fake white mustache and reading cue cards as a bush behind reporters rustled suspiciously.